My dad sent me a text about how he is selling my camera back home. I didn't think it would be that hard, but he sent a little "quote from the camera" thing, and it actually made me cry. I have sweet, seemingly heavenly memories of the adventures with that camera. It was there when I was first falling in love deeply with photography and beginning to fulfill some of those God-given desires to capture that undefined stir in my soul. It was there when I first began to be able to capture those moments more frequently and it was there when I first started to meld with a camera; it was my weapon of choice. I felt so comfortable with that camera in my hand. There were hardly any moments that matched the feeling I had wearing that camera. Purpose, fulfillment, connection. Something I never fully achieved without it strapped across my shoulder. But I get a new adventure, being here. Learning to connect, fulfill, and be purposeful without it in my hand will allow me to wield the camera as an even more dangerous tool. I am learning so much, and hey, as my A9 said, we'll both be a better version by the time I get home. I'll be back with a camera soon, but I'm enjoying what I have now, when I have it. A mission is important, and I have such a limited time. It's almost as if my camera is saying goodbye to me, but I really haven't said goodbye to him. Dramatic, but my eyes water a little. Just like antlers, you have to shed them, give everything up, to get something stronger, bigger, and better. That's a lesson for aspects of all our lives. Time to shed pride. Time to shed fear. Time to shed the good. Time to shed so we can reap the great. I was able to send some antlers to my mom for Christmas, which was cool. I am super worried they'll get busted, but I wrapped them in bubble wrap. They rattled in the box a little. Crossing my fingers. I had to get in line three separate times to get my box right. You learn a lot on a mission. Like you need to tape it and bubble wrap before you get to the front. Also, seeing that my mom's antler package was a little loose inside, I asked Elder Laudie if he thought it was ok. He said I should probably repack it. He kind of took it and cut it open and did it all for me. He even took stuff from me and packed it himself. Sometimes, that bugs me a whole lot. Just let me do it, even if I'm slow and bad at it. But it honestly didn't bother me and I was super grateful he did it and did it right. It probably will be the reason the stuff doesn't break. I'm grateful that I had patience and humility in that moment. I honestly reflected on how I had changed. How funny that packing a box as a missionary will make you reflect on how Christ has worked on you to be a better, happier person. Elder Delgado opened a package while we were at their apartment and he finally got the Chewbacca onesie he desired. He has been wanting one for a couple weeks now. Elder Delgado and Elder DeRemer got into a car accident on Wednesday. Elder DeRemer is a talented driver; he can turn accurately on ice using the emergency brake and he can handle a car. Choosing the safest option is not typically his driving style, but this accident doesn’t seem to be due to reckless driving, and I’m not a judge. They picked us up to play basketball. It was a good time. Anyway, we went and helped clean this person's house. I was thinking a lot about how I would act if I wasn’t a missionary, or how I would act if I was asked to help with this job before that fateful date, July 31st, when I left for my mission. I would act selfishly. Not in the sense that I would be acting selfishly towards them. However, because I am here and I am called to serve these people, I do not wonder what I am going to do next or about anything else in my own life. My thoughts are on the people I'm serving and how I can help carry their cross. People used to tell me that, as a teenager, your life is centered around you, and part of the difficulty of a mission is learning to recenter your life on the wellbeing of others. I was midway through writing a friend's birthday card when Elder Laudie came in and said, "hey, K.A. just texted and said her mom is in the hospital with pneumonia and needs a blessing." We got changed and called for a ride. We found her room and the doctor met us at the door and told us to put this mask, gown, and gloves on. After some humorous attempts at trying to clothe ourselves, we finally were geared up. Before we walked in, the doctor told us, "hey, I have to thank you guys." At this point he got strangely emotional. "I live over by such and such and one of you people shoveled my driveway, so thank you." He walked out. It has been wonderful to see the happiness that comes from showing God you are willing to try. I love it, thus I want to share it with all those I love, right here in Casper and back home. It is why I'm here in Casper. Why I'm here trying to be better. Why I'm here mentally and spiritually focusing on helping people. There is a line in a book a friend let me borrow called The Photographer's Playbook (I think), that says something like, go out and compose images and don't actually take the photo. I told myself, that's the mission. In a way it is. President Bragg sent me a super kind email today about being a missionary during Christmas. It's wonderful; we get to be as the angel declaring good tidings of great joy. I love President Bragg. I know I'm not supposed to call him that anymore, but that is what he has been to me through my dad’s stories. Anyway, he is a very good example of being Christlike. Even on vacation atop Machu Picchu, he takes the time to send me good tidings of great joy and uplift my spirits. What a great compass for being a Christ-centered missionary for me in this season. Speaking of, Chris Cutri also emailed me and told me Atticus was leaving for the MTC in a few weeks and that he had a video done on some art that he had done. So dope. I miss these cool people. Anyway, after Christmas Sunday service, the Fifth ward elders received an unfortunate message. To give more context, Fifth’s area is huge. Most of their work happens fifteen minutes north by freeway and parts of their area are an hour-plus drive away. They are also our ride to basketball. Well, they received a message that Elder DeRemer's driving privileges had been revoked. Seeing that Elder Delgado does not have a license, their car will be going to Ninth ward. When we got the news our whole car fell silent. Every few minutes, Elder DeRemer would bring up either a point of why the decision was unreasonable, why the way he told him was disrespectful, or a possible solution to get the car back. That would spark sparse discussions, but the reason he got them revoked was because he got in an accident and our mission is the fifth worst mission in the United States with cars. So, they’re trying to crack down. During the conversation in the car, I had an opinion, I had thoughts; but I didn't think they would help the conversation and I knew they weren't fully formed or informed, so I just listened. That's where meekness and self control come in -- they bring a lot of peace to your life. I suppose I know these things, however acting it out is never easy, and putting meekness into action is difficult. Anyway, the rest of the day was fun. Elder Laudie and I have been working pretty fluidly together. We know where everything is, we know all of the people, and we seem to carry the weight semi- evenly. Also, I kind of think I've figured out Sunday mornings. I get up, make my bed, eat breakfast, and then get fully ready. By that time there is still an hour till we begin the day, so I get half of my studies in because it's always difficult to fit studies in on Sundays. I use the other half to write. I like it a lot. Rice and green salsa might be my favorite thing, haha! That 505 salsa came in clutch on the FoCo special today. It changed the game; I may not be able to do without it ever again. I had a quadruple pepper: green chili pepper soaked in rice, spinach, and kale with red pepper flakes and ground pepper inside a yellow bell pepper. Yes, it was amazing. Elder Laudie snuck a piece of a Ghost pepper in there as well, it was super small though.
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Whenever the phrases, "let's trade jumpsuits," "would you like a Book of Mormon, Grinch?" and "I learned how to paint and do pottery in prison" are all shared on the same day, it must be pretty baller. We walked all the way up to S's house. He recently got out of the hospital and wants to start coming back to church. We met with him today to help move one of his couches. We moved it into the bed of his truck and drove to Salvation Army. We took two loads, and on the second, looked for Christmas sweaters in the store. While looking, I found a dope oilfield worker's jumpsuit. I said at the beginning of my mission that when I arrived here in Casper, I wanted to get a Carhartt jumpsuit. I thought they were so cool. This one was not Carhartt, but still fire resistant and super cool. It had a Rummel's Oilfield Supply Co logo on the back. I looked at the price: $10. No way. Sold. While we were still shopping, he said that was worth a couple hundred bucks. He asked what size it was. I said, 44. He said, "no way, that's my size. Hey, if you want to do a trade, I have a jumpsuit that's just a little too small for me. We could trade jumpsuits." Never did I think those words would be spoken to me, and never did I think they could bring so much joy. I bought it and we went back to his house. I was a little bummed his didn’t have a logo on it, but as he went to grab it, he said, "it's still a fire resistant Carhartt." NO WAY!!!!!!!!! We shook hands on the trade. I wear it triumphantly as I write these sweet words. I was going through his old 60s and 70s records and they were super neat. He brought us to a back room and I saw a painted saw in the back corner. I mentioned how beautiful it was and he brought it out. It was amazing. It was beautiful and very Wyoming. He told us that he learned to paint by watching Bob Ross! Legendary. He then said, "hey, I got some stuff in the basement to show you if you'd like. " We then went down to his small basement and he pulled a box off the shelf. He proceeded to tell us he learned to paint and do pottery in prison. He brought out these stunning plates, pots, and vases all painted in wonderful Wyoming wilderness and other wildlife. They were truly amazing. Next we got a ride to the church to help finish setting up for the ward party. Sister H has been planning this party since Christmas...of 2018...and it looked the part. It was decked to the nines. They had been setting up for three days staying up till 2 a.m. every night to set this thing up. It had lights, balloons, perfectly arranged plates, a Santa photo room. The theme of the party was Whooville. The stage was set up like the North Pole. I think the topper was the Grinch. They got this guy who is amazing. He is the children's chorister and has an outstanding voice. No one could recognize him. He had this mask on and a painted green face. He was wearing a red and yellow checkered suit that was dope. But, anyone can do that. He walked around for three hours with a spot-on French voice and made fun of people the entire time. He yelled at us, "you guys should get sent home!" He had Jim Carrey's body movements down too. Reminded me of the way my dad would go all out as Willy Wonka at our ward party, screaming about everyone's desserts and making children cry. I love you Dad. We also have this baller Elders Quorum President. He drove us to M.A.'s last night, he visited all the people we were teaching and invited them to the Christmas party, he set up-- he might as well be a full-time missionary. Someone like that will have far more impact than we can. He is such a wonderful and hardworking person. He has four kids and a full time job and still finds time to sacrifice. He came back to the church six or so years ago and is a bulldozer of good. Later, a sister missionary came by to pick up the tree we snagged two days ago. They were so excited that we had one for them. At Zone Conference, when I got a Christmas tree as part of the Secret Santa, they asked me if they could have it...but I had already given it away. I told them that there was a tree in the back shed of our apartment and they were welcome to that one. When I went back to the shed later, there was no tree! I was mistaken. I texted them and felt a little bad. However, when I saw the tree at S's all boxed up and he mentioned his desire to get rid of it, I snagged it. I told them I fulfilled my promise and they came over the next day and were so happy. They were even more excited when I told them there were a lot of lights on it and underneath it in the box. It was so good to see and be so familiar with this congregation. I said hi to so many and have relationships that I cherish with wonderful people throughout Casper 3rd Ward. We were standing in line under the lights as the Grinch and the mob of children went screaming by like an old-timey animated bar fight. We met with so many people we love. I talked with S. and her friend. She was talking about the music she listened to and I pointed her to the New York Dolls and the Queens of the Stone Age. I got to visit with M.A. and talk about how she was doing. I got to visit the C.'s and see their baby, who turned one today. I got to see the L.'s and ask how all the kids were doing. I got to talk to G. about how she was enjoying the party. I got to talk to the Bishop about the events going on. I got to talk to the R.'s about their daughter's Whooville hair. I love this ward so much. I feel like I am a part of it. I truly hope I am doing my part. Midway through the party, we noticed G and her kids were missing. Thinking they may have left, we went out to the hallway and noticed her kid playing outside the chapel. We walked over and saw her and the Elders Quorum President talking in the chapel. We walked in and he said, "we were just chatting about what goes on in the chapel!" I nearly dropped. Nothing will make a missionary happier than seeing great people in the ward teaching others the joy of Christ. A true Christmas party happened. It was full of Christ. And the Grinch. Anyway, we went home and I just felt so insanely blessed. I think of how fast my mission has gone thus far. I think of all of the joy and the pain and the growth I have felt in seemingly seconds. I think of the wonderful upbringing I enjoyed so thoroughly. I think of the blast of a future I have ahead. I can't help but feel absolutely overwhelmed at the amount of blessings the Lord has given me. I really feel so blessed to be laying here right now. Contemplating that my mission feels like it started a blink of an eye earlier, but then feeling like high school and home is a distant memory. The mission time warp is a thing.
Today was a good day. First off, I was assigned to do a guidebook training for district council. I was worried because I didn't know what to talk about. I searched the new guidebook for a good topic to discus. I fell upon two paragraphs in the introduction. It was a good passage about our calling. Throughout those six sentences, it said the word you, or a variation, 15 times. At district council, the topic was using your skills, talents, strengths, and weaknesses in creative and natural ways to help others. I have had difficulty in getting out of routines and habits to think creatively and critically about how to use our time. We talked about how creative solutions take longer to plan and we may have to become more accompanied with the idea of patience. But, like that Japanese director said of United States artists, we struggle with impatience, laziness, and distraction. Let's not distract ourselves with instant gratification. Let us be patient and long suffering in our earnest wrestle to do great work. Let's not be lazy. It was a fantastic discussion. Upon reflecting on the success and positivity of that discussion, there are a few steps I hope to repeat in the future for planning such discussions. First, desire to make it good. I really wanted for this to be good. Second, pray for inspiration and to be guided and recognize what you should talk about. Third, go and study. Just search and think openly. Fourth, leave it alone and naturally ponder it as you do something else. Raw, natural ideas will come to you and, if done well, you will be able to connect honestly with others. I feel as though that's how I've treated photography and film. Those steps I've repeated for stuff I truly care about. Pray, act, and ponder: the artsy, missionary version of Eat, Pray, Love. That should be the name of my blog, lol. Something we've been trying to change in the mission culture is just being yourself. We don't need to go up and be like "we have a message and blah blah blah." If you're wearing a name tag, people already know you're a missionary, so just be yourself. It's the best way for God to share His message. Something I said in guidebook training that caught me off guard is that our generation of missionaries is trying to change the mission culture to be more creative and innovative in our habits-- so fail. Fail a lot so the next generation of missionaries doesn't have to. Be creative, don’t get stuck doing the same thing all day. We talked about how we need to be more creative in the way we help people. Someone said they go to people's homes and offer their kids and their friends guitar lessons. We are asked to be creative and find ways to, quoting Elder Delgado, use the brain God gave you for a reason. I like that a lot. Use your whole soul, not some pre-made recipe. Get creative! Then, on the way home, the zone leaders mentioned how we are so hype but just as it gets out of hand we rope it right back in and we are back and focused. I love it. This district is phenomenal. We are very tight. Anyway, it's a fun crew. I am doing my best to love others and love Elder Laudie. President Palmer talked about in zone conference that he knows each of our spirits personally. He could not remember a single name when it was a sheet of paper with our picture and our name on it. However, as soon as he met us, he knew our spirits and has never forgotten our names. It actually is crazy, there will be 220 kids in the mission in the next two weeks; I have never seen President Palmer stutter over a name–-not once. He says it like we were one of his children, that's how confident and easy he makes it seem. He also remembers and is so loving to each of us in a specific way. I told him on the way out, "you have an unusual gift to talk to people and mirror back what God sees in their potential and uplift them, and it's something I've never seen a person do so well to so many." He told me thank you and that he had actually never been told that before. He said, "it's probably because I love people, I just find them fascinating." I truly desire to be more full of love like he is. Sign of a good leader. Being positive is good, wanting to help people is good, but you will be the most effective when you are you. To quote Kanye, most of all, we are at war with ourselves. The wrestle to relax is real. The harder you wrestle, the more difficult it is to do. My dad sent me an interesting email on just this subject. He talked about how at parties, the event is always awkward when you first arrive. It's why people drink: it takes the edge off of the anxiety that social groups can stir in us all. However, he told me that when he and my mom concern themselves with the welfare and fun of others, the party becomes much more entertaining and worthwhile. It makes you more interesting when you are interested in others. Elder DeRemer and I had a good time on exchanges. However, maybe the highlight was the exchange inventory that we had. Inventory is when you and your companion talk about what is working well and what can improve in each other and about your relationship. I think it’s super interesting. Elder DeRemer taught me that for every negative thing you say, you have to compliment the other person three times. Silly as it sounds, it is actually super uplifting and super healthy for your relationship; when you feel uplifted and confident, your ability to get along with others becomes astronomically easier to improve. *Henry is asked to send a letter to the president about exchanges. Here's an excerpt: "Elder DeRemer and I had a phenomenal exchange. He taught me a lot. He was a very good leader in the sense that he approached the work intently and with great care, including helping me become a better missionary. His earnest desire to serve is infectious and he wields Preach My Gospel like the weapon it was designed to be. He is very direct and wants to get what is best done. He knows what he thinks is best and will work to accomplish it unless he is otherwise convinced, a very effective quality when applied properly. He is a fantastic missionary who is wrestling with his struggles earnestly and honestly. He was a great help to me and to the people we taught. He is a very good missionary." Anyway, during zone conference Elder Delgado got up a few times. Every meeting like this, he says something that strikes me. I love his mind and spirit. I connect with him on so many levels. For example, he sent an image on the group chat and I could not stop thinking about it. It was this skeleton in a poncho and a hat with this weird background; literally it was addicting to think about. Earlier today we were talking about stuff and he mentioned an image that he couldn't stop thinking about. I asked him if it was the skeleton. He said "yes! Bro I can't stop thinking about it. I love it so much I can't stop thinking about it." Anyway, we geeked out about the art style and I just love that I can have someone I can talk to about my obsession with art. Elder Delgado is wonderful for that. One last thing I was thinking about. I was thinking of how I feel more confident now. Not in the sense of that I know what I'm doing, but that I've gone through the ups and downs. I have reached the bottom of the barrel of my pride, or at least parts of it. I felt that exhilarating joy of sharing and having people eager to hear the gospel. I feel like that scripture is coming to life: "to the weak, I became as the weak, that I may obtain the weak. I am made all things to all men, that by all means I may save some." I haven't experienced even a slice of everything yet, but I have some dark and dreary moments under my belt and I have some of my favorite memories ever here too. One of the scariest parts of the mission is the unknown. I have felt part of that dissipate as I have chosen to jump off the cliff blindfolded (like my dad talks about) and after putting my faith in and work for God. It is wonderful to see the improvement and my knowing where to find solace and comfort in times of need and distress. I feel these trials and they feel good; they hurt and burn, but I know they serve me well.
Our plan was to grab snow shovels and bike to people's houses, shovel their driveways, and invite them to light the world. Light the World is actually pretty cool. Once a day till Christmas you get a text to do something nice for someone else. www.lighttheworld.org Thanksgiving football was a blast. It was seven on six and it was a lot of fun. I recovered a kick. There was a play in which I intercepted the ball and just took off between a group of people. I just ran until someone said something. They finally did and I turned around. Someone commented on the play and Elder Laudie chimed in and said, "it's because he’s so angry that he just puts it all into running." The next play I ran a 10-yard out. Elder Laudie was running toward me and I switched directions and, with some high stepping and shifty maneuvering, I made the touchdown. I was still a little angry, but hey, it worked out. I had a good time. On the first drive I ran my favorite 15 yard slant and Elder DeReamer threw a perfect pass as soon as I outran Elder Laudie; not going to lie -- it felt good. I couldn’t feel my feet or my hands. Elder DeReamer stepped on my feet with cleats on and I couldn’t feel it, haha! I played QB on one of the last drives. I threw an interception and was bummed. On the last play, Elder Miller caught an interception and ran it all the way back. I ran over and congratulated him and said thank you for redeeming me. I scored five touchdowns and had four numb limbs, but it was a fun Turkey bowl. On the way there, there was another companionship hitching a ride from us. One of the kids is from the middle of nowhere in Elk, Washington. What's funny is he loves to make fun of cities and other places, but hates when other people rip on Elk because they've never been there. This wasn't the best car ride for him. He started saying something about cities and we just ripped on Elk. He said, "well, at least we have Caribou!" I would like to stop and appreciate that statement. It really is one of my favorite defenses I have ever heard. Also, while we were beginning our hour walk to an appointment up north, at a stoplight a couple pulls up and asks if we needed a ride. They drove us all the way there and it was so nice that they did. It was 14 degrees outside, which wasn’t bad because it was sunny and no wind; one can take almost anything if it’s sunny and calm. Today is the first day of the Christmas season. In that spirit, at zone meeting, we all discussed what Jesus means to us. Feeling a little discouraged still; carrying a burden, I wasn’t in a good mood. We were asked to answer to ourselves these two questions: why are you choosing to stay on your mission; and how is Christ involved in your answer? Well: I am asked to; and I don’t know. Recently, that's probably been the answer. I've just been hanging on. They did an activity where they asked people to go up to this chalkboard and write different names for Christ. Elder Kelly got up first and wrote "friend." Others got up and wrote. Elder Laudie got up and wrote, "the perfect example." We then were asked to talk about the different names. Elder Kelly talked about how Christ was your friend. That name was stuck in my head since he had written it. I don’t know if I have been using Him as a friend. As people talked about how Jesus was our friend, they kept saying how He knows us perfectly. I raised my hand and said "He not only knows us perfectly, but is willing to sacrifice. I have a lot of people who know me, but I don’t know how many would sacrifice for me." It kind of just came out without my expecting it. Probably a little depressing. But honestly, that's how I feel. Maybe I haven't been reaching out to rely on Christ, however I can change and do so. As the meeting went on I was reminded of how Christ lifted my burdens early in the MTC and in the mission. Elder Laudie got up and started talking about what he wrote: the perfect example. It was good and I appreciate it, but I begin to roll my eyes after hearing the same things over and over again. Very good testimony. Elder Delgado stole the show. He mentioned how he has felt like a stray dog with no purpose; living just to live. But getting to know Christ, it has given him purpose and hope. One of my favorite lines is from Elder Delgado's poem describing life as a stray called Chained to Life. It's about being afraid. Like Elder Delgado, sometimes I feel like I am chained to life. I am chained to this anger I feel. I am chained to my companion. I am chained to a mission in some senses. However, as I contemplate and act upon what Christ has given me, I am freed. People may think I am chained to a mission. Chained to the rules of the gospel. But chained is not how I'd describe it. I can choose to be yoked (a yoke is what keeps two oxen lifting together to support each other) with Christ. I could leave the gospel. I could ask to leave the mission. I know I can. I know that's there. But I choose to stay because it makes me happy and I have found utter joy in helping others find this happiness, peace, serenity, and direction. I love it. However, if my eye wanders from my purpose to my hardships or to what annoys me, I begin to walk away from the yoke, and feel chained to life. This reminded me of early in the first weeks of my mission, how I came to know Jesus as my friend. How He helped me, how I saw burdens lifted and carried when I was downtrodden and sorrowful. God does not choose the qualified. I was not ready for this calling; however, God will qualify the chosen, and I have felt that. Also, during comp study we discussed what it meant to wrestle with God. After a lesson with S in which I expressed my difficulty in having quality prayers, I have just been putting more effort into my personal prayers. Since, my prayers have been so much better. Even just putting in a small amount of effort I have seen the Lord bless my life to fall my way and give peace and joy to my broken heart. Wrestling with God is difficult. We defined it as wrestling your will to match His. In wrestling, it takes every bit of energy one can give. Prayer should take all the energy of our hearts. I am seeing blessings by just trying, so keep trying! Also, totally forgot, we went to Little Shop of Burgers for dinner today. It is a good burger. But they played Bad Guy by Billie and I was like prrffff. I stopped eating and just got lost in the memory of Scout and Miles and friends. Later it played All the Good Girls Go to Hell, such a great song. I asked the waitress if she liked Billie Eilish. She seemed caught off-guard, but said yes. Maybe it's a little weird for a missionary to ask that, but I thought it was funny. Just a little taste of home at the Little Shop of Burgers. "When we all fall asleep where do we go?" We went and played Last Days. We had a bunch of things we were trying to accomplish: win this race with a jeep we built, fix a PA, con a mayor, and find this person. The way the game works is that Elder Delgado had written out all of these places in the mission boundaries. In every place, there is stuff to do, things to accomplish, people to pick up and take with you, and items one can get. It's actually really fun; Elder Delgado is a genius and we have a good time messing around. It's funny how we can all just joke and then also have the fun strategy part of the game. The best part is jumping into Elder Delgado's mind palace to see what weird and fantastic stuff he can come up with. A lot of the people and activities in the game are things in real life, just with a spin on them. *Here they built a snowman inside of the church. |
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