Today I messaged a guy on Facebook and he sparked up a conversation about model trains. Luckily, after cleaning out another guy's garage full of model trains, I'd learned a thing or two about the lingo and could ask some questions. That's the best thing that happened to me today. I got up and studied first thing in the morning then did my workout. Breaking my routine of 15 months felt so out of place, but I think it improved my study a lot. I think I'll keep doing it. I did a ton of squats in the morning -- now I can't walk. The first snowfall hit today and everything is covered. Large snow flakes fall from the sky, taking the last of the leaves with them to the ground. As depicted, the transition between fall and winter occurs quickly out here in Nebraska. The last leaf had yet to fall before the first snow beat it to the ground. Yesterday, we had dinner with the W's. Due to COVID, we can't eat in homes. Instead, we had dinner outside (30 degrees) while it snowed. We had a fire going--and a cover--but it was still pretty funny. Apparently, after a long day of work, the mom came home and the house was absolutely trashed. Both boys blamed the other. With one son on the defensive, she asked, "why can't you take responsibility?" "How can I take personal responsibility," he responded, "for him?" I thought that was so funny. Later, I told him that I played a fun game with life: it doesn't matter who is right. You're not here to win a logical argument. You're here to help change emotions. You want to help people be happy, despite who is right. After dinner, the conversation was much lighter and less contentious. Sitting down with so much contention and leaving with such comradery made me feel so fulfilled. Recently, I have been asking people what I could do better. My journey began with a small prodding about what I could do better. Then, General Conference rolled around and gave me a lot of ideas. Mostly I learned I needed to study Christlike attributes: humility, patience, and diligence stuck out the most. Being sound-minded came next--almost a compilation of those three. I then began to feel my goal. Much like a film or a photo, I felt how I wanted the photo to feel. How to accomplish creating a product with such a feel was the unknown. Every step I took to be a little more Christlike, the Lord illuminated the next stone just enough for me to both exercise trust in Him—faith—and to take the leap. Then, the mode by which I would undertake the task of refinement became more and more evident. The words from Brother Jacobs at the mission devotional rang true: you cannot be better without somebody else. I began asking, at the end of any area call, what I could do better as a district leader. Then, I began looking for other appropriate places to do that. Again and again I asked for people to consider and openly invited them to help me. Today, we had comp inventory. My communication skills have skyrocketed since the beginning of my mission. I don't shy away from being completely open and attempting to understand the other person. I will not be left guessing at the other person's thoughts. I'll ask direct questions and encourage the other to be as open and direct with me as they feel comfortable. It's been feeling a little tense lately, but with clear communication, I was really able to overcome difficulties that would have bogged me down for days or weeks earlier in the mission. He told me being companions with me was a lot like being grabbed by the arm and just pulled a random direction without knowing what was going on. I thought that was pretty funny. There is still a lot to improve on regarding communication. My anxiety has a lot to do with being overwhelmed. So many daily tasks, (working out at night, running, foosball, keeping in touch with the district, etc.) that I sometimes find myself spiraling. Further, I am attempting to become so much better. I am trying to be a better disciple and person and it is often overwhelming to look at all the ways that I fall short. As one of my mom's favorite songs goes, "I wish I was a little bit taller." One day, I'll get there. As for now, I'll be going early and often, starting now and being consistent, to becoming a better man. Gus is so submissive. I think of times I get angry in Uno or dominos, or think about missionary work or any other place I feel entitlement, and remember how Gus just submits. He quietly asks for help when he really needs it, but is so gentle in his suffering. I got an email that sounds like Gus is ok after his illness. I feel like my heart just finally shifted back into place and is complete again. I love that dog. Right now, I have witnessed my mind go from selfish to more selfless. I can see the difference in living life as if others should think as I do versus just learning from them. "You're in a learning stage here in mortality, so listen more than you talk." By so doing, I feel I've begun to completely rewire my brain to remove the center-of-the-universe mentality and replace it with a full commitment to Christ. Whatever He needs me to do, whoever He needs me to be, let's do it. Change me. Let me know. Paul advised to be both hungry and full. Yes, I am satisfied with how far I've come. Yet, yes, I am hungry to be a better person and to go farther. I am both hungry and full. Last night, after a long day driving to Cheyenne, I sat down to study for the last hour of the day. I read three verses and wrote, "sometimes, God waits until the right time" and fell in and out of sleep. God waits until the right time. These lessons I’m learning would not have been taken well in high school. Further, these lessons would not have been taken well in Casper or Longmont. Like Mormon, the command to preach Christ's teachings is a good one, however, God is firm in His timing and in His sequence. Right now, I have had the prior experience and humility gifted to understand, comprehend, and be willing to change. I never thought I'd say that regarding giving up my kind of thinking. Personal truth is not objective truth. It will take a long time to become good, but however long it is...it's a time I'm willing to run.
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Doing some family history while responding to this guy who asked us to call him but wasn't interested, I ran across my Great-Great-Grandfather Henry Springer Coleman's "memories." One of them was a poem from his mom. It read: The joy I felt when I held you in my arms My first born And felt that God had given me a precious gift My little son And through the years of childhood How I prayed That you would grow to manhood clean and pure Just and unafraid That you might face the battles of the world With head held high And buckle on the sword and shield of truth And do or die There came a time when you went forth An eager, earnest youth And boldly did proclaim unto the world The gospel truth Tonight my thoughts go out to you My absent son In tender love and heartfelt prayer And song And may you know and feel Where 'eer you are On land, or sea or the deepest mine Your mother's love will follow thee
And like a load-star shine. |
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