So, I taught this lady in Longmont, Colorado. She texted the other day and was like, "what would you do if I sent you this camera?" I said, "fix it up and use it, I suppose." AND SHE SENT IT!!! It's a 1957 German film camera. It has a cracked lens but it looks like I could get it fixed. I'm going to take some photos with the cracked lens, maybe they'll be cool. I'm SO stoked. It's a beautiful camera. AND it has a leather case that comes with it AND an old timey lightbulb flash. Honestly, I had a really funny story to tell about our roadtrip and a touching story to tell about transfers, but I feel sad. Mostly because of missed opportunities. This morning I woke up and thought, "I should go for a run." Anxiety just filled me. How cold is it? Should I bike? Do I feel like it? Does it matter? Should I study? Am I too tired? Should I go on Facebook? I got anxious, only read one verse before I caved, and wasted an hour and a half. How do I change? How do I become better? I don't know, but I do know that change is possible. I'm frankly embarrassed, as I should be. I'm almost too embarrassed to write it in my journal. But I know I'd be worse off in silence. I wish I would have worked out, studied, and written those stories in my journal. However, even on my mission, I am distracted sometimes. I can be better. The question is, what am I going to do to be more proactive in the solution? I've told myself repeatedly that I'm going to change. I know I feel bad when I don't work efficiently; I know I always regret it. However, distraction is an escape from difficulty. Being willing to face difficulty is a wonderful quality, it's just that running from difficulty has been made so much easier as distraction comes more readily to us. Our phones are locked to our hip to shoot down anything that may impose difficulty on us -- any unwanted circumstances. It's a constant escape. Still, I have full confidence that I can be aided in this endeavor. So, what can I do? Elder Bednar said to go to your knees and pray to see yourself the way God sees you. It will be the scariest thing you'll ever do because you'll see all your flaws and imperfections. However, it will get you so close to Christ. It reminded me of a Pope John Paul quote my mom sent me from Jackie's Instagram which reads, "I am as I am in the sight of God. No more, no less." I went and prayed and my mind was filled with anxiety. My head ran really fast. Though few words came, brief peace was felt. Yet rather than feeling an overwhelming sense of joy, I stood, seemingly unchanged. Still, the prayer pointed my ship in the right direction. President Obama said that we make changes like steering a ship: if we point it in one direction, or just slightly in another, it will land in a completely different position. So, while I may not have moved, my ship was now heading in the right direction. Throughout the day, I focused on the work. I remembered what I'd heard: that you count your mistakes far more than God does. Something else I heard in a talk was that when you're struggling, think about those you've been privileged to touch over the course of your mission. Remember that miracles do happen but they require a tremendous amount of effort. Thinking about the Lopez family, I teared up. If all of this was for nothing but them, I'd do it all again. I then thought about the Laurichas. Specifically, I thought about Dustin. He struggled with anxiety and hated being in crowds. So much so, he rarely left his apartment. However, as he struggled to come to church, I was reminded I was a lot like him. What would God want me to do? What would I want Dustin to do? I'd asked Brother Lauricha just to keep meeting with us, do any little thing he could. The Lord loved his effort. But, hypocritically, in my mind God didn't love mine. I remembered His mercy. I was reminded of a tip dad showed me from Into the Woods: "Show up on the page," it said. No matter what, just show up on the page. Write. Even if it's bad. Eventually, it will be good. Today, I showed up on the page. I believed in miracles. Then, a guy I messaged messaged back. We started talking. I got to know him. I brought up religion. I offered to meet. We met today and taught him. He is a 19 year-old in the National Guard looking for peace and wholeness in his life. It went so well. He seemed to really be engaged and excited to learn! Miracles do happen. I just have to show up on the page. During the small personal study I held, I read this line from Moroni: "when we write we behold our weakness, and stumble." This hit me. Showing up on the page is so difficult. Why? Margret Atwood would argue it's because you're afraid of something. In this case, Moroni was afraid of being mocked. I'm afraid of being mocked, of being less than a good missionary, and thus being unlovable by God. Moroni was so nervous. He compared himself to others he saw as so much greater, he compared himself to the words he spoke instead of the words he wrote. He wanted to be great for God so badly. Though he saw himself as weak, his written word became the most notable part of his ministry and some of the most profound in all of scripture. His weakness became his strength. You have to come to God and you have to be shown your weakness to be humbled. Seeing your weakness is scary, but it's how weaknesses become strengths. In order to be strong, you must go into the woods.
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Someone we were teaching has COVID. They'd answered the door and told us they had it. We called her later and she said she tested positive, but she was finishing her shift at Arbys. Bruh... The hospital here is overrun with COVID cases. All the beds are full and half the staff is out with it. 26 missionaries in this mission have tested positive. Elder Sedgwick is feeling a little sick. It's the way it always goes, one companion gets sick and then the next gets sick as the other gets better. I got on the phone and my mom was like, "hey!" "Oh, what's wrong...are you sick?" I didn't even feel like I looked sick, but she always knows. Today, it hailed out of nowhere and covered the street in under two minutes. It then just got sunny again, but that 40 mph wind never ceased. Besides that, the nurse thinks we have Corona and is having us quarantine for 14 days. I lost some motivation today. I spent a long time calling family, after which we did some online work which turned into us falling asleep. Fatigue really is one of the symptoms. It's difficult because I'm also not super motivated to get on my phone and just grind and text people. Sure, intermittently dispersed across the course of the day that is extremely effective; but when it's all you have it's a daunting task. I didn't go outside today. Our apartment door never opened. Quarantine is not fun. To keep from going stir crazy, sometimes I'll play a game of golf with a volleyball, a broom, and the legs of a barstool—this is the COIVID mission life. It gets even weirder when I start announcing it like a golf tournament. It's enough to be inside ALL day. I would go outside but the wind is still blowing and it's not super pleasant. I did a little bit of cleaning between calling people. I mostly wasted time. It's so hard to stay focused. It requires an absurd amount of self-discipline. I think I forgot to mention that I'm 2/3rds of the way finished with my mission! My first third was spent with Elder Laudie. The second was in and out of quarantine. This is the final act. That is the grand view. Yesterday, a man in his 80s who converted to the church while he was in the Coast Guard said something that struck me. He said, "that feeling of loneliness on your mission...questioning whether you really belong and whether or not what you are doing is worthwhile? It really never goes away." My dad sent me a phenomenal quote from Into the Woods. It says "storytelling is about bringing opposites together and stilling the conflict between order and chaos within." Been thinking about dad a lot. I just love his energy. He is the chisled character I search to be one day. Talking about this improv sketch he was in in his college years, he seemed slightly embarrassed. I wish he knew how much it means that he was able to use all of the good, unorganized energy that screamed "cocaine!!" -- wearing a shirt on his head -- to being the composed, thoughtful, good person he is today. He still has that stage presence, that energy, and that joy for life. He is just organized now. The reconciliation between order and chaos, the natural man and the Saint, is something he seems to have mastered. He may not be complete, but he seems to find joy in self-improvement. If he doesn't always find it, I know that his family loves him for trying. Dad, I know it's hard to see when it's you, but you are who I aspire to be. Not just who you are now, but the way you approach tomorrow. Bryce Morris sent a really touching and thoughtful email to me today. He discussed the difficulties of being on a mission and some that he faced reaching his later months. He said, "What you do everyday still causes people to feel the joy it may be hard [for you] to feel." That really touched me. Recently, I've found it difficult to have faith that what I'm doing really helps people change and be happier. Since quarantine, I've found it extremely difficult to keep a schedule. Working out is a chore, going to bed on time is difficult. I've always wanted extra time to get stuff done, but now that I have so much of it I feel like I'm drowning and, hence, get nothing done. I'm lying in bed not eating breakfast. I spent last night rolling around in bed till midnight going on and off my phone. Elder Sedgwick is sleeping too. I feel as though I'm just wasting away. It used to be, "ok, let's just get out of the apartment and we'll start there." Now, that's not an option. Consequently, I have been delving into how I can better self-discipline. How can I abstain from getting distracted? How can I properly take productive breaks to keep from losing sanity? How do I use my time wisely? It's been difficult. Entrenched in a book I've been reading to pass the time, I was excited to pick it up again after my pizza was in the oven and finish the chapter I was on. Immediately, I recieved the prompting to talk to Elder Sedgwick who was silently eating on the other side of the room. "No," I thought, "this is really entertaining. Talking to Elder Sedgwick will require me to bend socially and lift the weight of difference. I don't want to listen." I could not stand to ignore the prompting, though it took a moment. I've grown to understand the importance of acting on promptings quickly; or shall I say, promptly? I've learned that there's nothing that hurts like a missed opportunity. I turned and began talking to him. Soon, the conversation rolled into something both revealing, beautiful, and entertaining. He may be one of the only people I've ever met who has lived by candlelight! He stressed that it was "only for a few years." They didn’t have power, so they hauled buckets of water to use in their trailer. At the time, the trailer housed their family of seven and his dad, returning from his job doing construction, would work on finishing building their home in his off hours. I was so impressed. That is not an easy lifestyle. He must be one of the last people in this country to have lived solely by candlelight. Legos, lizards, aquariums, Indian reservations, candles, water buckets, and self-built homes are what made memories for him. All of the sudden, the weight of our differences was not something to hinder us, but instead strengthened my enjoyment and understanding of him even more. These so-called ordinary people that are around us are filled with the most unique and beautiful stories; we must learn to ask the right questions. Asking, seeking, and knocking applies not just to God but to each other. President Palmer once said, "Never underestimate a conversation." He further explained that one conversation with one person can change one heart—and that's all it takes to change the world. Before quaraninte, we got stir crazy and went for a really fun hike. The trail petered out, but we kept going. We ended up in these canyons and it was so much fun! We just got lost trying to make the next move. Our next step was driven solely by curiosity and the willingness to submit to the experience. I let the spark lead me-- a fantastic feeling. It's a feeling I hope to treasure and live the rest of my days. Let the spark lead you where you need to go, whether or not there is a trail. Follow it no matter the difficulty, and enjoy the process of never knowing what comes next.
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