Our teaching pool is crazy right now. There are so many good people we are teaching; so many I care for. Last week we had nine different people we are teaching sitting near us at church. I find I love meeting with struggling members of the church and working with them. It is great and I’m happy Elder Laudie and I have had so much fun and can have so much fun together. I notice that I like working. I do not like wasting time. I don’t mind being cold or walking in the wind. It's hard, but I am almost addicted to it. Anyway, I had a good day. I was just relaxed and happy. Sometimes, if one works super hard all the time and doesn’t stop, they burn out and hate life. However, I'm finding a wonderful balance of naturally desiring to work and push myself and being relaxed and myself as I do it. I work hard but mess around too. I am still "a total goob" as Elder Laudie puts it, but I try and get after it. We went to the Wyoming Behavioral Institute and the lady told us J. was having a bad day. He said, "hey, I don’t want to do a lesson today." We told him we could just talk. We went into our typical conference room. It was quiet. Eventually, after a few failed attempts at conversation, he told us he wasn't discharging anymore and was being moved to another facility in Billings, Montana. He was pretty bummed. Farther from home. We talked to him and just tried to give him an escape for the moment. He told us he has been depressed because of the decisions he made. I was able to share how depression and the feeling of loneliness are difficult and real. You don’t always feel you have control and figuring out how to live with it is scary. I told him how the Book of Mormon has helped me through my trials. At first he said he didn’t want lessons anymore. Then, at the end, he asked to do one next week with his friend. It was so sad to see him struggling. It is so difficult to be there. The worker who let us out said it was really cool for us to come here. She seemed nice. I love it here. Despite what some people think, I am not here because my parents made me. I am not brainwashed. I would have quit by now. I'm here because I love people and I choose to trust God and never duck the fights gifted to me, even if they hurt. We went on an exchange with the zone leaders today. I went with Elder Gibson this time. It was a fantastic exchange. We talked during comp study and he said that the quality he thinks is most desirable in missionaries is awareness. Being aware of when you should or shouldn't say something, how you should spend your time, or of the situation generally. He told me I am not a missionary he worries about, which is a good thing. Elder Gibson seems like a stickler, however, he just enjoys obedience. He loves it. We had a good comp study. A sign one can tell if the other is a good person (and missionary) is if you walk away from an exchange as a better person and missionary. I felt that today with Elder Gibson. He is a great person and I learned a lot. We got ready and went to zone conference. Zone conference is when a group of missionaries in a big area gather together for a meeting. We were discussing something and I felt impressed to talk about a subject that had been on my mind in recent weeks. I then thought I shouldn't share-- something felt off. Thinking on this I decided not to share. Then, President Palmer brought up positivity. It was what I had been pondering, so I thought, "oh wow, well I guess I should speak." I raised my hand and, when called upon, spoke my mind. I shared the story of Russell Wilson staying neutral on the sidelines of the Greenbay game. He didn't get discouraged. He wasn't positive. He stayed neutral. I said something like "if we didn't have missions rules that forced us to give up our old lives, how could we ever expect to help other people give up their whole lives to find the joys of a new one? If we never were depressed, how could we help other people through those same challenges? We have to find pleasure in the pain or we'll never be happy. I'm not positive. I hate positivity. I stay neutral. Let's count the facts: it's cold outside and the wind is blowing and it sucks. But we have the power of the Atonement. Let’s just list the facts and get after it and embrace the suck." Now, this was basically what I said, I don't remember exactly. I felt good about what I said at the time. Honestly, it's how I would talk at home. Phrasing and all. However, I'm learning you have to know your audience. The meeting continued on. Someone got up after me and said they at first hated what I said, but then agreed with it and equated a scripture I was looking for to further my point. Elder Laudie got up and gave a testimony riffing off of what I said. It was nice. I honestly had a good day after that. The rest of the meeting was uplifting. Today, I woke up and worked out on the bike. We then went to interviews with President Palmer. It happens every month and a half. I walked in and said hi. One cannot hide a smile when around him. He exudes such light and joy it is infectious. I sat down and talked for a little bit. He asked me about my family. I told him it was rough to see some of my friends struggle and not be able to be there for them. I told him I received maybe the most uplifting email ever from my sister this week. Anyway, he asked about spiritual experiences I've had recently. I told him that I have just decided to go all in and find out for myself if this is true. I just tested the words and found out if they worked. Even if I disagree, I live by it to find out if it is truthful. Not to say I disagree, but I don't focus on whether I agree; that thought is on the back burner as I live the law to find out. He told me that I had a gift that most other missionaries don’t have. This surprised me. He said, you seem to have the ability to just push through. It was an extremely nice compliment. He also told me that he completely agreed with and understood my testimony the day earlier. He said some people didn’t understand and came up to him and said “why would he say that?” The thoughts I shared in Zone Conference were intended to uplift the poor in heart and encourage those struggling with trials. However, through not understanding my audience, it turns out that I may have delivered that medicine down the wrong pipe. Elder Laudie told me later that someone told him that a woman in leadership said that as soon as I said "embrace the suck" the Spirit left. I did feel that. I meant it in the most loving way. I truly was attempting to explain how I felt as a young kid with fears of not being able to handle the dark sadness ahead. Knowing that kid didn’t like church culture and then stepping deeper into unfamiliar territory involving church culture, I veered from the common and the cultured way of saying things. I brought the sense of familiarity of language I had so enjoyed back home, in a heartfelt way, to explain that that young kid could now share that sadness does not mean darkness; that we can bring our sadness to life. But my words were misconstrued, and the statement, “Elder Whiteley bore his testimony and the Spirit left” whirls in my mind. To quote Kanye, "I wore my heart on my sleeve I couldn't lie." I don't want to tear the mic from Taylor Swift, but I also know being myself is important. With that knowledge, I find myself lost desiring both to be me and to bring the spirit to people’s lives. The temptation which "doth easily beset me" is the impulse to just shut up and not contribute. However, I know that if I continue this fight, continue pushing this race, it will be worth it. If I can figure this out I will be far ahead of where I ever imagined. I know it. Sometimes I don’t know the road to get there. Truly, there's nothing more exciting than taking the road less traveled on, as my mom would say. But as Scout's email said last week, if I focus on others I can more fully appreciate the blessings of my own life. There are many things I am working on. Knowing my audience and learning how to develop my oneness with the spirit are two of them. All difficult; all worthwhile. Rarely in my life have I strived hourly, even minutely, to grow at these things through focusing on others and attempting to support them. Nothing has been more worthwhile. Rarely have I felt such serenity. Joy despite circumstance. I wear a wind chapped smile proudly; it lights up my soul to work harder and care more, almost as much as the wind burns my cheeks. But let's count the facts: I have a wonderful mom and dad to support me. I have an absolutely unreal sister to lean on. I have a companion who loves me and works hard. I got the cold and the wind. And I have Christ.
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Well. Where do I start? My mind has been revving on high for the past 24 hours. Nonstop thinking, contemplating, and conversations in my head. Much like dad's Speech and Debate days, I'll catch myself ten minutes into an imaginary speech I am giving on some random topic. Not having anywhere for my ideas to land was stressful, and I needed a reliever. This journal is it. Want to know what I think about while I run? Well, in the race of life, as Paul puts it, here are my thoughts. Walking between the homes of people we were trying to meet today, my thoughts were racing and my face numb. Oddly, I woke up this morning and thought, "if I have to do this one more time..." I have those thoughts most mornings though. I've learned a few very important life skills: do not trust your emotions when you’re hungry, don’t hold on to the thoughts you have when you are tired, and don’t make decisions when you're angry. Anyway, I got up and attempted to pray sincerely. It's hard; however, prayer is worth the effort ten-fold. Truly, it is a beautiful experience to pour your heart out and realign with God’s will, and then see the blessings and direction -- specially tailored answers that are often of a curious craftsmanship. I was feeling bad about life and angry, but as I got out and worked, I felt so good. Oh man, to start, I worked out. I did some fartleks on the bike this morning that were great. I then had an amazing study. I don’t have enough room to write all that I want in the margins of my Book of Mormon, however, I got the area planner that Matt Roberts gave me from his mission in San Diego, and I'm using that to write about my thoughts and impressions as I do Come, Follow Me. I have noticed how I have been able to deeply dissect the scriptures. I get through about 10 1/2 verses per hour. I'll write for two or three minutes every few verses. I believe I'm able to study harder due to my desire to serve and being fully focused on that duty. Want deep studies? Serve. Feeling lost? Work for others. Feeling sad? Study for others. Feeling down? Seek for others’ happiness. It doesn't mean to not help yourself, it just means to not forget about others on your own quest. I sat in my chair during studies and it almost hurt to think of how many people I deeply care about that we are teaching. It seems my heart is being stretched to its fullest to comprehend, all at once, how much I love and care for these people. Your love and hope has to be stronger than the winds of adversity, which right now are blowing at 40-60 mph consistently here in Casper. We exited our apartment and began to lean back as we walked as to not be pushed over by the Casper winds. It pushed us all the way to our first couple of destinations. Walking with backs to the wind, I guided us to our first house. We went to visit M.A. D. texted us and suggested that we do the lesson in a member's home instead of the church. I thought that was a great idea, and asked if we could do it at his place. He agreed and the wind carried us there. We walked up to the outside of the apartment complex and he was finishing a cigarette and gave us a nice warm wave! It felt almost like home to be with him. Throughout the meeting, he bore powerful testimony of how the Plan of Salvation has given him so much hope. While on the topic of church, M.A. told us her husband had encouraged her to attend church this week. She has had really bad anxiety recently and wants to just stay inside all day. She says it is a monumental task to even go to the gym. I told her, within a five foot radius of where we were sitting in church, four people had extreme social anxiety and/or bipolar. It is so hard for everyone. D. then raised his hand and said, "I am one of them. It kills me. It hurts so bad. Yesterday, none of my family went, and I almost didn’t go but I decided to. When I walk through the doors of the church, the anxiety is lifted, everything is gone and I'm fine. Even if it means I am broken, tortured to get there. It hurts a lot and I feel broken down and depressed, I am so happy when I enter through the doors. All of it, whoosh, gone." She said she struggles with the exact same thing. I talked a little bit about the redemptive power (to be forgiven for mistakes) and the enabling power (the ability to receive strength to overcome challenges) of the Atonement. I asked if they have felt that in their lives. D. said it gives him so much hope that if he makes a mistake, he can start over and try again. M.A. said that she has felt God's support in her life in overcoming challenges. She said she has felt God help her through recovering from her meth addiction. She told us she took one ounce of crystal meth every two to four hours for a year and a half and prayed daily to stop till finally, she could put down the needle and never come back. She struggled a lot, but even without addiction recovery, was able to overcome this addiction. I could see D., as he bore testimony and helped her, be filled with so much joy. His testimony was strengthening because he was sharing it and he was also finally being the person on the other side of conversion. As if to say, "I was once there, now I am happier and know it can help you become happier." It truly filled me with joy. Two people I love dearly and work hard for blessing each other and helping each other grow closer to Christ. Five years ago, I was getting my school photo taken with braces I had gotten a half hour previous (alternating neon green and navy blue #gohawks), an uneven mohawk, a giant forehead zit, a cold sore, a Hawaiian t shirt, and elbow cast and sling. That same kid smiled as he was overwhelmed with the beginning of some really difficult struggles. A long road of difficulty, pain, loneliness, depression and the feeling of constant failure. Five years ago, someone else was deeply depressed shooting up heroine and meth with no direction in life. Five years ago, someone else stopped coming to church after being baptized and picked up smoking as his anxiety and depression worsened. Five years later, we sit together glorifying God and His son. Though my afflictions were not as terrible or as intense as those of these two saints, I was able to bear testimony that God loves us and that we do not have to be perfect immediately. We do not have to be alone. Because I felt alone in my struggle for years, not telling a soul. Once I did, I felt supported but not understood. I was still alone in conquering this challenge. Eventually, at the end of my wits, like at the end of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, I was finally surrounded. Nowhere to run. I finally turned to Christ and asked the burden to be lifted; "but if not," to figure out and be given the tools to be able to figure out how to overcome this challenge. Three years later, I still say that prayer. Time and time again I've seen the hand of Christ reach down, to depths I didn’t know were possible, and pull me to the surface. Like the warm sun drying off cold water, I felt amazing, refreshed, hopeful, and thankful. My testimony is strong because I've reached out and sacrificed to find out if it’s true. But, you'll have to find out yourself. The closer we draw to Him, the clearer the world and His gospel become. How do we become close to God? As Joseph Smith said, "the Book of Mormon was the most correct of any book on earth, and the keystone of our religion, and a man would get nearer to God by abiding by its precepts, than by any other book.” My testimony of the Book of Mormon does not come from a "poof" answer from prayer. It comes from the gritty undertaking of Joseph's challenge. It's true? Well, then let's test it. Let's see how I feel as I live by the teaching of Christ as spelled out in the Book of Mormon and the Bible. When times got tough, I gripped. I was not perfect, however, I see that my testimony is not from a minute-long experience of joy and confirmation, (however valid that may be for those who do have that experience). It is from the nitty gritty. From the times I've done what the Lord asks even if I don’t understand or don’t want to. I have done it and seen the blessings. Much like how I walk from house to house here. I never wish I had a car. I love walking. My face may be numb, my body may ache occasionally, but nothing beats walking. I love this town. I love the wind. Having a wind chapped smile is better than being a pretty boy anyway.
This morning I finished with the indoor bike trainer mom gave me for Christmas and got ready. I am much better at keeping track of time and working effectively. Time management, cooking for myself, and sitting and studying for long periods of time? Truly, God helps qualify those He chooses. I've seen "organization," "time management," and "being quiet” as issues on my report card every single year I have ever been in school. How a mission truly helps you develop the skills for life. I'll come back to that in a minute. I made a walnut, chia seed, acai pancake with almond butter and coconut flakes on top—amazing. We went to zone meeting in the morning. The zone has been seriously struggling to stay motivated and upbeat. Everyone seems burnt out and depressed. We were asked to come with our concerns and have an honest discussion. I felt a little bad; Elder Laudie and I are doing absolutely fantastic. On the way back from Zone meeting, driving back with the Zone leaders we talked to them about how we absolutely love the work right now and it is so much fun. Elder Laudie says he is praying for another transfer in this area and said he would "cry if Elder Whiteley and I don’t stay together in this area for one more transfer." That was encouraging. He also said that this was the most fun and best part of his mission so far. So that's good, I suppose. *A "transfer" lasts six weeks. Also, this is one of the first days that I have felt prepared. I feel as though, any situation, I could handle. Not to say I could do everything perfectly, but I have obtained the skills to be able to fail, assess, and fail again. It's difficult, but those muscles are much stronger for me now. Yesterday, we went and saw J at the Behavioral Institute. As we were signing in, he met us at the front door and said, "hey I forgot to tell you guys, but I'm an atheist now, haha!" We were like, "oh, cool." We kept signing in not entirely sure if he was joking. We heard in a side room some kid ask, "can I have missionaries meet with me?" Someone else asked, "what's a missionary?" "Dude, they just go around talking about Christ." "No way." "Yea! I promise, it's crazy, they even ride bikes and stuff!" "Weird." We walked with J into the little room where we typically meet. He was not talkative. His face was facing the floor. He was giving one word answers. He wasn't interested. Eventually, I just asked how he was doing. He said good, but after sharing some questions and concerns, he told us he feels farther and farther away from the scriptures and doesn't know if God is even there anymore. I talked to him about how that can happen, especially when you don't feel you have control over your head; it feels helpless. We talked and he seemed a little more uplifted. Eventually, we asked how we could help him grow closer to God and had a great conversation. Walking out of the WBI, I never thought I'd be smiling and feeling so full of light as I did walking out that day. It felt so good. Some of my most joyful memories, including Maui, High Tech High, Cross Country, photography, and film have been, seemingly, weighed down by the weight of my mental state. However, I was able to use it for good. It was super difficult. I have never found the perfect way to handle some of my struggles, however, I have learned so much through trying. Further, I have grafted a unique weapon: a deep connection with others who struggle finding their place, with loneliness and a feeling of abandonment, a lack of connection, a deep unrest and sadness, a longing for relief, and a feeling of hopelessness. I have seen a darkness and see a side of that struggle. Some have it far darker and far more debilitating than I, however, whether it be a camp fire or a house fire, they still use water to put it out, and I have had the wonderful experience of being at, and now pointing others toward, the well of living water -- an unlimited supply of relief and love, connection and redemption, and support and happiness. Anyway, we began walking to S's house for a lesson we had scheduled with him. He has had an absolutely insane life lately. Last time we were there, his mind was everywhere: his bills lay on the table, pinned under his elbow whose hand supported his check as his worried voice told us of his financial situation and social issues. His mind far into worry. He wasn’t in a place to hear about what we thought could help him. I have been praying about it. He went to church and set up a time to meet with the bishop. As we were walking over there, we realized we still had fifteen minutes to go on the walk but it was five minutes till the lesson. As we were about to cross a driveway, someone awkwardly began to pull out. We stood and waited, and to our surprise, C.K., a member of our ward, rolled down the window and asked if we needed a ride. We looked at our watches. We hopped in and he told us he was having dinner at this person's house and that he was supposed to be working today, but the roads are closed. 97 mile per hour winds. He dropped us off with a minute to spare. It was perfect. We were greeted by S who was in a much more joyful mood. We sat on the couches we moved in for him as he told us, in a relaxed, relieved tone that he thinks he'll make it out of this situation. He said the bishop helped him and the pre surgery in Fort Collins went well and he is far less worried now. He was ready. He wanted to listen. God had prepared the way both literally and spiritually. Later in the week I went on exchanges with another elder. We listened to the Johnny Cash gospel album and I thought of Grandpa. At the end, we had exchange review. It was very menial and average. Going through the motions. I asked some questions but it wasn't super interesting. I was half-lying-down on the couch when he asked if there was anything he could improve on or do better with. I liked the question. I closed my eyes and said a quick prayer hoping it would go well. I began asking questions about what he was struggling with. He told me his companion would follow him around the house and talk to him and show him a meme. He said the guy talks a lot. I asked him why he thinks he talks a lot. He didn't have an answer. I told him my guess. He is stressed. No one understands his stress. I asked if anyone deeply connects with his companion. He sat and said, "oh, I see." Not to say it was like I have the key to knowledge or anything, but I know and understand his companion well, and I can see how stress and loneliness are weighing on him. This elder said he understood. I also told him that I totally understood that it was annoying. We went on and I asked him what his goals were. He told me he wants to be more patient, and gave a small speech about how he wants to develop all of the Christlike attributes. I told him that was good, however, I shared that quote Claire posted on Facebook from John Steinbeck: "Now that she knew she didn’t have to be perfect, she could be good." You don’t have to be perfect, so let's just set goals to be good. I felt prompted to challenge him to do a mini-comp inventory every single day with his companion to help relieve his stress, so he could know how to help him, and so that he knew someone else knew his problems. He genuinely wants to help him. I told him that if you help him learn how to manage this part of his life, you will be doing him such an outstanding service we can’t comprehend. Everything from his marriage and kids to his work and social life will be affected. If you can help him, everything will be far more of a joy for him. He agreed and accepted the challenge. It was a good exchange. I could see he saw this problem much more simply than before and it seemed to lighten the burden. Also, I was thinking a lot about how Elder Laudie and I get along. He has mentioned that he gets along with me the best out of his companions. He has also mentioned how happy he has been here. It feels like home, honestly. Part of the reason for this is not because we get along perfectly. In part, it is because I didn’t know what to do so I turned to Christ. I became interested in Elder Laudie. I listened and asked questions. I relied heavily on prayer and scripture study, turning towards Christ, to help me with this struggle. Through that, I developed qualities of patience, forgiveness, and humility, which have blessed me greatly. I have a love for someone I didn’t know before. I do not dwell on disagreements. I have prayed hard for love to enter this stubborn heart and, in a small amount, it has. It is what makes our time more enjoyable. We love the work and focus on what is important: helping each other in the struggle of being Christlike. Not politics, not opinion, not taste, but what matters— becoming good people. Thanks to God for answering all of my prayers. I have prayed for clarity and understanding in the scriptures and received it. I have prayed to feel relaxed and happy and have felt relief and natural. I have prayed for S and seen his life turn. I have prayed for companionship unity and have seen Elder Laudie and I grow closer together. There is a scripture I found this morning in my personal study that encapsulates how I was feeling as I wrote the section about my joy and pain. Alma 34:21 reads: "Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy." How great. I truly have felt it. Like the greatest of stories ever told, the plot line of my life has been startling, unusual, intense, and full of pain and joy. I love you all. Let's see how this script rolls out. Hopefully there is still a lot of film left on the reel.
A year ago, I was still unsure my senior year Space project was going to go through. I had no idea Scout was going to help me ask Rachel to Prom. I didn’t know how my photography books would, or if they even could, work out. My thoughts were so far from a mission, I couldn't comprehend what my life would be like in a year. I didn’t know what college I would be accepted to and commit to. I didn't know where I would be going on my mission. I didn't know that my greatest joy would be felt in Wyoming teaching families in the Casper winter. I had no idea Miles would be chilling in Hawaii, still hanging out with my sister when they could. Just kidding -- totally called that. I didn’t know MRKL would be killing it in the photography game making great art and good money. I had no idea Nate would emerge as the most promising runner in HTH history and be the youngest HTH runner to ever break sixteen in the 5k. I didn't know Reed would come back and kill it in CIF and beat out the higher ranking division. I had no idea the team would still remember me. Ugh, I do miss home, but it's too amazing here to ever think of missing a minute. Anyway, I had a good time thinking of the person I was a year ago. Oh man, Henry of the 2019 New Year, life is about to get good; too good. Traveling, photography, girls, family, track, crazy whirlwind Missionary Training Center experiences. Plus, five straight months living next to some dude from Kansas City. Deeply loving Christ on snow covered sidewalks, earnestly uncovering insane stories and lessons from the scriptures, and loving others. This week Sister M texted us asking what we wanted for dinner. I said pozole sounded good. Elder Laudie said, "I hate pozole." I said, "that's impossible--that's like saying you hate soup. There are too many variations." He said, "no, I had it made by a real Mexican lady." I said, alright. It went silent. "Is there such a thing as a fake Mexican lady?" He didn’t love that question. He went on a small tangent and then said I was just mad because he was questioning my ability to judge pozole. First off, I am. But why do you care? I didn’t say that, by the way. These arguments make me so mad. You asked me what I wanted, then you say that entire food type is disgusting and you've had it three times in your life, bro what? Why so closed minded? But that is so hypocritical to say because I do the exact same thing all the time. I can't blame him. And yet I do, and I let it get under my skin. That's why half of the day's description is detailing this ridiculously stupid pozole argument. Eventually we landed on potato soup WHICH IS BASICALLY POZOLE but that doesn’t matter. We visited an older lady whose house was infested with rats so badly we saw them running around and saw like seven huddling in a box outside. It was nasty. I felt sorry for the lady. She wasn’t in good health. It felt good to help her. I was maybe a little too eager to leave though. My inner Erin. We went back to the apartment and then to dinner. I smiled maybe a bit too much when Elder Laudie brought up pozole at dinner and the mom cooking it was like, "I love pozole, my friend just sent me a recipe." One of Elder Laudie's arguments against pozole was that the kids wouldn't like it at all. Elder Laudie turned to the kids and asked "oh, do you like pozole?" "Oh yeah, I absolutely love pozole! It's the best." I had a little bit of a soul jump and celebration. The mom said, "I guess we'll have to have it next time!" Elder Laudie told me, lying down in bed last night, "I was thinking I could go a fifth transfer with you." I told him I felt the same. We honestly had such a good day and have a great, easy chemistry most times. It's been really fun! By being honest, even with negative feelings and sometimes causing a small bit of contention that bothers us for an hour or two, we've actually cleared the air and it's totally fine...I hope. Anyway, this morning we walked with a lightness in our step and our conversations. Wow, this year was amazing. It is amazing to see how many of my prayers were answered. I wouldn't recognize who I used to be, in all of the best ways. Like a good guy gone evil in a movie, we typically say that "we don’t recognize who we've become" in a negative way. However, I mean that in the most endearing, most wonderful way possible. Truly, as said in Second Corinthians, I feel like a new creature through Christ. A new being. When I say that, I mean I have adopted, or begun to adopt, charity, sacrifice, communication, love, hope, humility, meekness, and more I do not have the time or capability to understand. I am truly happy. My joy is in others. Not perfectly, but I smile that I am not perfect, because that means there's more fun for me to figure out. Like how I imagine Muhammad Ali stepping into the third round, knowing 15 more are coming, smiling, exhilarated, prepared, and earnest. A mentality like Marshawn, an endurance like Ali, a boldness like Pre, a hustle like Thomas, and a motivation deep-rooted like Zamperini. I am just happy to be alive. *This is a letter Henry and Elder Laudie received from someone they've been teaching. "My grandma was talking about gratitude yesterday, and told me to thank the first person who came to mind. So here we are, I guess. Hopefully you don't find me weird or clingy. I guess the first thing is to say thank you. Thank you for making my church experience a little less nightmarish. It's obviously still a struggle, but those 2 minute conversations make me feel a little less alone and a little more normal. Thank you for treating me the exact same when I came out, and for not treating me like I am a thing to be fixed. Thank you for giving me a chance to understand the Book of Mormon. At first, I really just wanted to read it so I'd be educated on the thing I was leaving. I tried and failed, but when I asked for help, I've actually been consistently reading and understanding what's inside. Also, and I can't stress this enough, thank you for explaining the pride cycle in the beginning. That saved me a lot of frustration. Thank you for encouraging me to pray, I know I'm not the best at it, and I haven't for a week and a half, but I'm trying harder than I have in forever. When I met you guys, I hadn't (on my own will) prayed for a little under 2 years. I know I shouldn't get too attached because you guys are going to leave eventually, but I feel like I needed to say something. Plus, I'm not going to disobey my grandma. She's kinda scary. Anyway, even after you guys leave, I might actually try to be happy at church. It's not going to be easy but at least I'll try. So ya, thanks for inspiring me to try." I have had so many great experiences. There was a point on my mission where I thought, all of it was worth it. If I went home now, I would have been a completely changed person. I felt like there was nothing more to be learned. I thought, "wow, these next two weeks at the MTC are going to be great." Oh, little did I know what was coming: the greatest transformation and experience I have ever had. I love being here.
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