Recently I had a conversation with Elder Dickinson. He brought me to Proverbs Chapter 16—which I did not expect. In verse three, it reads, "Commit thy works unto the Lord, and thy thoughts shall be established." That is to say, don't try to change your thoughts, simply dedicate oneself to the Lord and He will establish your mind. I've been thinking a lot about the kid who wears the white tee in Stand By Me. He reminds me of a close friend from home. He just pushes everyone to be the best they can be. He brings them to new adventures, new heights. However, this skill—these street smarts—they cut both ways. The whole time, you can see it in him. It's almost like the fact that he was so good at living life at this stage, those same patterns of thought, they're what would hurt him in the future. Survival. Thick skin in close relationships. The willingness to get through hard things and see the good. With direction, those skills will propel someone through life. When they believe in good things, they go far into good things. The opposite is true when they are focused on the wrong things. They'll get what they want through hard work, perseverance, persuasiveness, and finesse, but their ultimate success comes from what they choose to believe. Everyone gets to choose what to believe. I've realized that no matter how hard I try, I can't give my conversion to someone else. I will do my best to just love people and give all I've got. Sometimes it feels like we don’t receive a direct answer to our prayers. Instead, we need to just make a decision and receive packets of confirmation along the way as we act. If we choose wrong, hopefully we will see it before it is too late. Later in the week, I read that chapter in Mosiah that says: first we believe, then we understand, then God changes us. In our second district council Hermana Bauman gave the training. She spoke about this cycle that can trap you. How micro-focusing on behavior is a trap. Step 1 of the trap is observing our own behavior. When we focus solely on behavior, we will notice all the ways we fall short. When we do so, it brings shame. We will shame ourselves for imperfection. Thus, step two occurs: we alter our identity. If we observe our behavior, realize our flaws, then let our flaws define us as people, we lose agency, make mistakes, feel shame, alter our identity, and so on. She had us write down things we fail at. I wrote down, among other things, that I'm not a strong enough person to overcome my challenges. I'll never give back to God what He's given me. She posed the question, "can God be disappointed in you?" She asked a follow up, "can God be surprised by you?" Disappointment is expectation that is not met. God only expects what we can give. He knows exactly what to expect, and He knows we will fall short. We can never disappoint God. However, we can do things that cause Him to grieve for our self-caused unhappiness. She read an excerpt from a podcast which said, "God still loves you even if (fill in your failure statements from earlier). I have been struggling to choose happiness. I don't know exactly what happiness even means all the time, but I have a basic idea. I just fall short and into old habits. I often believe I've fallen short of God's love. However, there is no line of obedience we have to cross in order to earn grace. Grace is not a finish line, but our fuel. In a meeting with Elder Dickinson earlier this week, he asked me "Why should we trust in the Lord?" He read in verse 20: "whosoever trusteth in the Lord, happy is he." He said that if I wanted to change my being, I must change my focus. I've been wanting to change to just be better, more dedicated, more obedient, and strive more boldly. It's been on my mind awhile now. It has been on my mind my whole mission, more or less. With all the downtime now, I think I'm being asked to prepare. But when work is limited, distractions seem more powerful. Not to say I'm distracted doing anything horrible, but I wonder...am I being the best thing? Elder Dickinson told me about the section in the Guidebook that says, "Being faithful and obedient also means that you try to learn, grow, and improve; correct mistakes quickly; and take personal responsibility for your actions." He told me that I was doing all of those things! "Listen," he advised, "around people’s year mark as missionaries, there begins to be a shift from being obedient to being a disciple. You start to focus on where your heart is rather than if your behavior matches up with everything the Guidebook says." That really helped. I feel like my perspective is being shifted to becoming a better person. Rewatching myself in an interview I filmed last week, I realized that I am a weird, scrawny, artsy kid, and it’s wonderful. I am of course self-conscious about how strange I am, but I know that's natural, and I know I'm good. I've been remembering the silent retreat I attended for scouting one weekend in high school -- the only thing Order of the Arrow taught me: just because I can speak, doesn’t mean I need to. Elder Mestre told me, "when you have the choice to say something that makes you feel good or the other person feel good, choose the second one. That is when your gift comes in." Something we'd talked about in the past is that missionary work is a work of "me too." When we struggle or suffer and just strive to be better people, it prepares us to be able to look at another person, whether that be a future spouse, a kid, someone we teach, or even a stranger and say, "me too." It's the most powerful thing we can do.
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